If movies have taught us anything…

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Written by: Julian

With a new site, comes a new post. So here’s a new satirical piece, and on today’s menu: movie clichés. None shall be spared! Like with the last piece, (it can be found here) I’d like to mention that this is purely for entertainment purposes. Under no circumstance should any of this be taken seriously. Also, I’ve decided to not number the list just because I thought most of these points share the same importance.

So if movies have taught us anything it’s that…

Underdogs always prevail.

That’s right, regardless of the situation or how unfair the match-up may seem, the underdogs always win. Even if all the odds of have been stacked against them, empty your entire savings and place a bet on the underdogs because I assure you THEY WILL WIN. Even if it’s a bunch of overweight, mildly handicapped misfits up against the most athletic competitors, you better believe those misfits are coming out victorious. I assume it’s in their genetic code or something, but losing is never a possibility.

Mastery can be achieved in a matter of moments.

Think you can’t play guitar? Think that being a kung-fu master would just take too much time? Well think again! With just a few screen fades you can bypass all that time and become a true master. This directly relates to the above and rightfully so. How else can those underdogs beat those super-athletes? By cheating of course! Well not really cheating just harnessing the true power of the screen fade. I honestly don’t know what to think, but somehow with less training and no apparent God-given ability they manage to pull it off in a matter of screen fades. This gives hope to all of us.

Running is pointless.

A personal favourite of mine, this cliché only applies to the horror genre. If you manage to somehow end up on the hit list of a homicidal murderer, please don’t run. I assure you that no matter how fast or far or even what pattern you run, that killer (who is doing at most, a brisk walk) will either be behind you by only a few steps, or somehow manage to take a secret path and end up right in front of you. So instead of running and wasting all that energy of yours (also getting you quite sweaty, which then might get into your eyes and compromise your vision) just walk, or better yet use every ounce of energy in your last stand against that beast of a killer. You might as well, you’re good as dead either way.

When in doubt, use the buddy system.

Another great one and one that is also very prominent in horror films. The sum of the parts is never greater than the whole. So for the love of Christ always take someone with you or better yet move as group when anything needs to get done. There’s no point in trying to play the hero here, doing that will surely get you killed. Don’t wander off from the group, as a matter of fact: NEVER do anything unless you’re with the group or at the very least have someone as a lookout. Need to scratch your ass? Grab a buddy! Need to take a leak? Take a buddy! Planning to have unprotected sex with the slutty camp counsellor? Oh you better believe that you’re going to need a buddy close by. Even though being in a group doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll live to see another day, it does up your chances of survival. If properly adapted to our everyday lives, we might never have to pee alone again!

Sex = Death.

Another personal favourite of mine, and another that only applies to the horror genre. Having sex while a killer is out on the loose will cause your death, and it will most likely be a gruesome one for that matter. That’s right, not only do these homicidal murderers possess (highly illogical) ungodly speed, they also have a keen sense on when any form of sex is happening. It’s like they can hear the pants unbuttoning and panties dropping…. now that’s what I call a super-power. So before you unleash your trouser snake into her garden of heavenly delights, just take a second to think about it. Do you want your last moment alive, to be of you and some hot chick having sex? …. Fuck it, that would be an awesome way to go. So do the no-pants-dance, aside from the horrible death you’ll inevitably suffer, you’ll be happy that you did.

The law is powerless to help you.

Well not exactly powerless, just inept. Somehow they just don’t stack up, they can’t keep up unless they have an “ace up their sleeve”. God forbid they actual do battle with the forces of evil and win. Although they apparently become true heroes after most of a battle has finished, in which they had very little to do with. No, that credit is saved for either super-heroes or humans with a rational thought, who ironically turn out to be the headliners of the film. Funny that calling out “save me Superman!” is a bit more comforting than calling for the boys in blue.

The “bad guys” have terrible aim.

Terrible is understatement. Now this doesn’t apply to all “bad guys” just the regular 2-bit criminals, lackies, cronies, or goons whatever you may call them. As for the “bosses”, those motherfuckers can shoot, and they kill with ease. But seriously, I think that being a goon somehow makes you forfeit any hand-eye co-ordination you may have had. That’s right, standing in the line-of-fire will not get you killed, in fact you’ll most likely walk away unscathed. That’s how bad they are. It’s understandable that hitting a moving target is quite difficult. Impossible some might say. But I’d like to believe with five other guys shooting at one target (most likely the one weaving in and out of cover) at least one “bad guy” can hit him. It doesn’t even need to be a fatal shot, just make that bitch bleed.

“They” fight in the interest of fairness.

The “they” in question is of course bad guys. Who knew that thugs and hardened criminals actually fought fair? Outnumbered 10 to 1? No worries here, feel free to take them on one at a time. In fact, they’ll make you look like a one-man wrecking crew free of charge. Quite a nice perk if you’re trying to impress the damsel in distress, or any lady that happens to be watching.

Nice guys finish first.

Who would of thought this could actually be true. But yes, contrary to popular belief, playing the “nice guy” can actually score you some chicks. Throw away all that “just friends” bullshit, it’s the dawn of a new era. The era where you can hit on your female friends and get results! Don’t be afraid to play the asshole either, that remarkably still works.

Happy endings always happen.

Before you ask, it’s not what you think. Well it could be if your mind isn’t in the gutter (but I’d like to believe that everyone has a dirty mind). But anyways I’m talking about the ending of a movie. Kind of fitting to leave the grand daddy of all clichés at the end right? Well leaving it for last is a cliché as well but let’s overlook that. There is no possibility for a “bad” ending. Why you might ask? Well if movies have taught us anything it’s that if you wish hard enough for it somehow it’ll happen. Your dog died? Wish that it didn’t! What’s that? Your dog is still dead? Wish harder! And if it still remains dead then you just didn’t wish hard enough. And this applies to everything and anything. Broken relationships, secret crushes, deceased loved ones, weather, fuck even wishing that the Angels make the playoffs and win a penant, it’s all in the realm of possibility. Quit working hard and start daydreaming and wishing today!

Well that’s the most I muster up and ironically enough I was trying to avoid a top ten list but somehow ended up with one after all. I know this is quite a read but I hope you were entertained. And hopefully with a new site, we can get this blogging thing to work.