flagrant3’s Unofficial Holiday Gift Guide: The gifts you shouldn’t give.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Written by: flagrant3

Well since the holiday season is just around the corner, we here at flagrant3 thought it would be fitting to put out our very own gift guide. Unlike most gift guides out there, we’re focusing on the gifts that shouldn’t be given. That’s right, do NOT give these gifts. This by all means is for entertainment purposes only, we are not liable for any confrontations or conflicts that may occur (which they will, if you give a crappy gift like the ones listed below) So enjoy!

*Side note: the way we constructed this list was on a scale of one through ten. One being the gift you should avoid giving at all costs and ten being a somewhat “bad” gift but not as “bad” as number one.

1.  ANYTHING

Oh that is no typo there my friend, at the top of our list, any gift. That’s right, the gift you shouldn’t give this holiday season is in fact, a gift. Now before you start grabbing your pitchforks and flames, let us explain. The whole idea behind giving a gift is reciprocity. Even though no one wants to admit it, you give a gift to expect a gift back. And if they say “No, I do it to be nice.” ask them if they’re a little bummed that they didn’t get one in return, chances are that they will be. Next, is the notion of the “gift-exchange”. Now the ideal situation is to have the gifts that are exchanged to be of equal monetary value. As you guessed it, this rarely happens. Which leads to the awkward situation of trying to explain why you didn’t spend as much on that person as they did on you. Aside from the monetary value problem, there is the sentimental aspect. The same theory applies as above except it revolves more around sentiment and thoughtfulness rather than monetary worth. Here’s a pro tip, say: “I wasn’t expecting such a nice gift, had I knew you went through all that trouble I probably would have gotten something with more meaning(or worth).” That should work, and if it doesn’t, you’re screwed. So before thinking of getting someone a gift, think again and don’t. You’ll save them time and trouble cause that would mean they have one less person to worry about getting a gift for.

2. Dragonball Evolution/Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-li

We here at flagrant3 have a special place for this item within our hearts. We had the unfortunate luck of watching these movies back to back, voluntarily. These movies had no reason to be made or even watched, but we did cause we’re just that Xtreme. And in case you didn’t catch it, that’s a capital x. If you’ve ever wondered what it would feel like to want to gouge your eyes out, five minutes of Chris Klein’s performance in the Street Fighter flick will do just that. If you hate anyone and want them to know how much you hate them, give them one of these movies. Or both, if you’re a dick.

3. Gift Cards/Certificates

Hmmm… money would be the better idea here. Why? Because of choice, rather than confining one person to a specific store, you’re giving them the option of getting whatever the hell they want. Take for example, hookers and beer. There is nothing worse than knowing you have (in essence) something worthless, think of it like Disney dollars. If you don’t plan on going to Disney World any time soon than you’re stuck with money that is fucking worthless. Money > gift cards/certificates, so go the “impersonal” route and just give money.

4. Electronic Greeting Card

Do people still use these? It’s a shame if they do. Save yourself and the recipient the trouble of having to read it by not sending one at all. Is that person not important enough for you to give them a phone call? You may as well just disregard them all together. This gift is the equivalent of a text message.

5. An Actual Greeting Card

Same logic applies as above, except you killed a tree to get your message across. Somewhere in the world a tear is running down the face of Captain Planet.

6. A Greeting Card with the “Loved One(s)” on the cover

Consider this the ultimate insult. If these cards had voice logs they would probably sound like this: “Hey check me out, my hot girlfriend/boyfriend and I just wanted to say season greetings. What’s that? You’re alone for the holidays? That’s alright, this picture of us spending the holidays together shouldn’t remind you of how lonely you are.” Or: “Seasons Greetings from our family. Yeah look at us acting like a family, doesn’t looking at us just make you feel absolutely sick? Holy crap look at the size of the smiles on my kids’ faces, yeah I’m a pretty terrific parent if you hadn’t already guessed. Well anyways we’re just wishing that your holiday season will be kick-ass,  and rest assured ours will be, just look at our picture!”

7. Clothing

Unless you are 100% sure, its probably better to pass on giving clothing as a present. You’ll have to find out the size that the person wears, and “knowing is not even half the battle”. Sometimes the sizes don’t go accordingly with the piece of clothing, take for example a pair of jeans. There are so many styles and cuts, that you can be easily overwhelmed. It’s better to just throw up the white flag and give up. Maybe its just us, but if you’re adamant on giving clothing as a gift, give socks. Minimum effort required.

8. Ugly Clothing

Like above except with ugly. No need for explanations, there’s no love for ugly clothing.

9. A Donation

Now we here at Flagrant3 are by no means against donations. But donations as a gift, is a totally different story. Ever get a gift that says “A donation has been made in your name to the (insert organization here)“? Now while the thought of the gift is commendable, noble in fact, the person receiving the gift had absolutely nothing to do with it. Nobody likes a glory hog, and if you give a gift of this nature that’s what you’ll be. So donate in your name, and your name only, and let others get a chance to experience that warm-fuzzy feeling for themselves.

10. Fruit Cake

And finally it comes to this, a gift that was and still is never acceptable to give, fruit cake. Just a bad gift in general, and worst of all it doesn’t really look edible. There is nothing worse than food that looks like its not worth eating. Kind of sounds like a fat person’s mentality but rest assured none of us at Flagrant3 are fat or obese. It would just make sense that if you were to give someone food they’d at least want to eat it.

So brings an end to our guide, we hoped you enjoyed it and from everybody here at Flagrant3, Happy Holidays!